Anything BUT a Silent Night
by Sleeps in Rain
Summary: Ed decides to do her Christmas shopping a little late, but her choices of gifts are sure to bring the Bebop the true spirit of the season! Or perhaps...not...


_The night was like any other to the crew of the Bebop. Fussing, famine, and quarrels over who got the last 'shroom this time. And when the hour came nigh for each one to lay down his head, not a creature was stirring...except for Ed..._

* * *

The awkward, wiry figure of the scrawny girl paced to and fro as her hound sat and watched, his little doggie mind wondering just what she could be up to on this night. 

"Ein, it's Christmas Eve..." Ed looked around disappointedly at the ship, its dreary metallic aura all but festive. "No lights..." Her stomach growled. "No yummy din-din..." Her eyes stopped on the faces of her friends, lost in dreams of what she was certain included plum pudding, candy canes, and something called Santos Crawls. She gasped and seized the little canine frantically.

"NO PRESENTS, EIN! NO PRESENTS!" The dog whined and stared with an expression akin to utter dread. Dropping him to the floor, Ed flew to her laptop and a flurry of furious typing echoed throughout the ship. Christmas just wasn't Christmas without joy, and presents were full of it.

_**A little later that night on Mars...**_

It was a shopper's paradise. Reindeer adorning every storefront. Dazzling displays of lights. Allowing herself to savor the acidtrip-like effects of the colors and sounds, Ed ducked and dodged her way through crowds of busy customers.

"So many people..." she whined. Not even ten minutes had passed and already she was lost. Until the sound of teeny-tiny jingly bells met her earmuffed ears. Scanning the crowd, she finally caught sight of the source of the sound.

"ELF!" The girl screamed as she tackled the poor elven-clad man to the ground.

"Kid, what the hell-"

"Ok, mister Elf-Person, Ed need some presents for her friends. Can you help?"

Shaking her off, the bells of his costume ringing madly, the man asked as kindly as he could manage what kind of gifts she was looking for.

"Well, Faye-Faye likes to look pretty a lot and wears lots and lots of tight clothes that show her-"

The man instantly pointed her to a dimly-lighted shop halfway down the street. Grinning from ear to ear, Ed bounded off for the store, Ein scurrying close behind.

Stopping in front of the weird purpley-blackish store, Ed stood for a few moments observing it from outside.

_The Naughty Neko. _This sounded like just the place to shop for Faye.

The girl barely set foot though the entrance before a tall, scantily clothed woman in a Mrs. Claus outfit swooped in front of her. Immediately, the woman's eyes narrowed and she shook her head.

"Nu-uh-uh, this is no place for little boys!"

Blinking, Ed pointed to herself, a smile plastered across her face. "Ed's a little girl!"

"This is no place for little girls either!"

Confounded, Ed complained. "But...if it's not for boys and it's not for girls, who is THIS for?" She waved a frilly black thong in the woman's face. Upon closer inspection, Ed noticed something funny about the peculiar underwear.

"Lady, these undies have a big hole in them! You should throw them out."

Panicking, the woman snatched the lewd lingerie from Ed.

"What exactly are you doing here, missy? You have no business-"

"Ed wants a present for her friend..." Ed looked about as miserable as a Chinaman in the hood. Suddenly, the sterness melted from the woman's eyes.

"How old is your friend, little girl?"

Brightening up, Ed chimed, "She's 77, but since she was put in that magical icey-box to sleep, she looks really pretty now!"

Flabbergasted, the woman smiled and gently directed Ed outside.

"I know the perfect place for you to shop for your friend, honey."

_**One hour later...**_

"Ed hopes Faye-Faye likes the gift we bought for her, Ein. And now it's time for Spike-Spike!"

Now shopping for Spike Spiegel was a challenge of titanic proportions. There was virtually nothing he liked, save his beloved dish of beef and bell peppers. As she walked in deep thought, Ed made a list of all the things she knew Spike loathed with all his being.

"Doggies...mean ladies..." She muttered to herself, paying no heed to where her wandering bare feet lead her.

Then, it hit her like a frying pan flying out of Jet's kitchen.

"Spike-Spike loves to play games with Ed and read her nighty-night stories!" Parking herself on a nearby bench, she unpacked her trusty laptop and immediately began another search query. After a good search-and-hack session, Ed proudly made off to her next destination...

_**Another hour later, on Earth...**_

"I'm sorry, but our database shows no record of a Mr. Spie- Ah, well what do ya know?" A kindly old man behind the great white desk muttered to himself quietly as he typed while Ed hopped up and down, giddy with excitement. After a few minutes, the man stood up and directed Ed into a little room littered with toys, crayons, and other childrens' necessities.

"It's so very kind of Mr. Spiegel to open his arms to an orphaned child. I think it'll be the greatest Christmas gift either of them will ever receive.", the man said to her.

Giving a thumbs-up to Ein, Ed stood twirling her scarf about her finger, hardly able to contain herself as the old man scuffled into another little room where all the orphans slept. Not even a minute later, he emerged with a little bundle wrapped in his arms.

"Now you say that he's away on business tonight and he sent _you_ to pick up the baby?"

"That's right, mister-person, sir! Edward is his loyal assistant!" Ed piped, her arms eager to snatch the child from him.

Somewhat reluctant, the man asked a myriad of questions before handing the child over, convinced that a well-to-do CEO of a monstrous Martian corporation could undoubtedly be trusted, even if his choice of assistants was questionable...

_**Back on Mars...**_

By the time Ed had safely stored both gifts away in Spike's highjacked Swordfish II, it was nearly Christmas morning. There was but one gift left...

It was a fact that Jet was fond of his bonzai trees. But Ed felt that it was time for something different, and having already pinpointed the perfect plant shop on all of the Red Planet, she swaggered with pride into the greenhouse of a Ms. Tsuta.

Enveloped in a curious garment that Ed found to be quite hilarious, the old woman snapped as she watered her petunias,

"What? Who disturbs me today, when I clearly stated _'NO CUSTOMERS' _out front!"

Tackling the unfortunate old woman with the force of a college quarterback, Ed peered into her eyes with her own sparkly amber ones.

"Edward has to get a plant-friend for Jet-person! It's Christmas soon!"

Gawking at the masculine-looking girl and then at her embarrassed pooch, the woman stood, surprisingly unflustered. Turning her attention back to tending her flowers and checking the herb garden, she called to Ed as she worked,

"Alright then, what kind of plant are you looking for?"

Not having thought of this ahead of time, Ed sat pondering and muttering for a few moments before replying "Something really really WEIRD! And...non-bonzai-ish-ish..."

Sighing and shaking her head, Ms. Tsuta wondered in anguish why it was that her shop seemed to attract the freakiest of folk...and especially now one who spoke in third-person and had a boy's name.

Not allowing the woman to respond, Ed gaped in awe as she caught sight of the plant she knew she _had _to have for Jet. Crawling on all fours like a precautious and mistrustful critter, she inspected the massive red plant with keen interest.

"Eeew...stinky..." she remarked as she sniffed it up. Having grown bored of following his owner around, Ein joined her in the sniffing-frenzy.

"Oooh, no, that's not for sale. You must beinsane or heartlessif you're planning on giving someone a Rafflesia..."

"A wha-who-sa?"

"It's a tropical Earth species. It uses that putrid stench to trick flies into pollinating it."

"COOOOOL! Ed will take it!"

"Didn't I just say it wasn't for-"

Before the old woman could breathe another word, Ed hoisted the behemoth of a flower outside and into the ship (or at least what space was left among the empty Chinese food cartons, soda cans, and baby supplies) and run back inside to pay the fuming woman.

"Old lady-lady can have the rest of Edward's WuLongs, she won't be needing them anymore. Happy Christmas and safe New Year!"

And so ended the night of Ed's holiday havoc...

_**Christmas Morning...**_

In the wee hours of Chistmas day, everyone woke to an earsplitting eruption of wailing. It seemed as if the entire innards of the ship itself reverberated the awful sound, sending everyone flying into a panic.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Faye freaked out as she tumbled headfirst off the couch in a frenzy.

"It sounds like a baby..." Jet murmured, still drowsy.

"Anyone know where Ed..." Spike trailed off.

"**_ED!"_**

Sliding down the railing and into Jet's arms, Ed giggled with glee, peering at them allfrom beneath her Santa hat.

"What's all the noise about, guys? Ed got everyone presents! Spikey, you're lucky number one!" she sang as she ran back upstairs.

Shrugging, everyone seated themselves, still rather concerned over the hideous crying that had blasted them from their sweet slumbers.

Presently, Ed skipped down the stairs, holding a little bundle wrapped up in a velvety-maroon shawl.

Immediately, all three victims shot up in alarm.

"Ed...no...please...tell me that's not a-" Spike whimpered.

"Yep-yep! Ed knows how much Spike-Spike likes kids so she adopted one for him! Isn't she sooooo cute?" Ed danced around the mortified bounty hunter, holding a pale little baby wearing a panda outfit in front of him. Forced to take the her lest Ed dropped the kid, Spike bawled,

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS TO ME, ED! GOD HAVE **MERCY** ON YOUR TWISTED LITTLE SOUL IF I FIND OUT YOU HACKED MY INFORMATION!"

He would regret the chastisement, as another dreadful cry sent chills down his spine. Completely disgusted and at a loss for more words at the moment, he awkwardly shoved the little girl in Faye's arms, pleading with her to find some way to shut it up.

"What the hell do you want ME to do?"

"I don't know, you have breasts! THINK OF SOMETHING!"

"Why you cowardly son of a-"

While the two had their brawl, Ed snuck off and rounded up the last two gifts. This was going so well! What a spectacular holiday this was!As Jet paced to and fro in confusion, she teetered over to him, carrying the unwieldy mass of flower and plopping it at his feet. Immediately, his eyes widened in horror.

"Ed that's a-"

Too late. No sooner had she placed it on the floor, the plant from hell emitted its dastardly odor, permeating the entire ship, creating a noxious blend of stink and shrieking. Turning to Faye, she grinned happily as she held up a simple but large lavender gift bag to her.

Terrified as to what lurked inside, Faye peered in, but relaxed a little when she saw a couple books and some folded clothing tucked neatly at the bottom. Balancing the weeping child on her hip, Faye grumbled to herself, "At least _I_ got something_ normal..." _

Picking the thicker of the books out, her face instantly went blank as she uttered the title out loud.

"_Managing your Menopause..." _Casting a suspicious eye at Ed, she picked out the second book and her jaw dropped in outrage.

_"The Geriatric's Jubilee"..._!

Her eyes wild with anger, Faye could barely keep her hand from strangling the little bitch as she ripped the clothing from the bag in her fury. It was a scratchy, green-and-yellow plaid sweater that resembled something one might find during a trip to the nursing home. And to her further dismay, something fell from the folds of the sweater onto the floor with a clink.

"What...is...that...?"

Picking the thing up and swirling it like a baton, Ed replied coolly, "It's a magic fold-up walking cane!"

Faye's right eye twitched. Spike had practically torn his own thighs from clenching his fists upon them. Jet held his nose to the point of breakage.

Looking around, Ed broke into her famous piano grin.

"Who's up for carols!"

_**The End...or is it?**_


End file.
